What is happening to my language?

Well yes, it has been a while hasn't it my friends? Of course I say that, but then if you're just reading this blog for the first time then it's only been about 12 seconds. In which case welcome, thanks for stopping by, and please feel free to leave a nice warm and fluffy comment before you go - and watch out for the wet paint - thanks.

As I write this, the streets of Britain are teeming with civil unrest. People in London are angry at the police, people in the Midlands are angry at each other, and people in the North are just plain 'Mad fer it'. I myself started a fire yesterday, but only because it was quite a nice evening and I fancied a bit of a barbecue. Thanks for asking - the sausages turned out lovely.

But I get angry too you know, and allow my rage a more peaceful outlet by way of this blog. One of my biggest hates is the apparent death of our language, left in the mouths of these hooded morons who speak with an accent that belongs nowhere on this planet, and with a lacklustre approach to decent grammar and diction that makes me feel like an English teacher from some time around the 1850s.

In no particular order, let me first point out that the G in words that end in 'ing' is NOT, nor has it ever been, silent.  For some reason however, there seems to be an entire generation of people who think that it is. You know who I'm talking about. You call up a company with a solid reputation and some hooped earring Chavette who is more interested in the X Factor than her job shrieks down the phone at you with a voice so shrill that all the dogs in the neighbourhood start howling.

"Good mornin'" they cry. You respond in a professional tone "Good morninG, may I please speak with so and so? "E's in a meetin' right now, who's callin'"

AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!! Die Die Die you horrible little person! You're killing the English language. You're the icon of everything I hate about the world. 

Have you been there? I bet you have. Now I don't mind so much when I'm phoning to order a pizza from Domino's but these are people answering the phones in City firms - the sorts of places where a certain standard is expected and yet is clearly being overlooked.

Then there's my other favourite - the expression "Is it", used almost completely without any sense at all. I was delayed in a restaurant recently. I won't name names but suffice is to say that thanking the lord that it was Friday was not going to make any real difference.

He asked me if I was going anywhere after the meal. I told him that I was supposed to be somewhere 20 minutes ago but their errors were holding me up, to which he responds "Is it?" 

IS WHAT MORON? You've actually asked me nothing at all, but in that slow drawn out way that is supposed to relay empathy but actually just makes me want to reach for the nearest bottle of ketchup and throw it at your head!

And last but by no means least, the use of OMG. Seriously, how much of a rush do you need to be in to abbreviate words with one syllable. More importantly, if the person you're speaking with doesn't know what OMG means (there are some who still don't - don't be angry with them, they're just better than you) and so you're going to have to explain it, thus making your abbreviation UTTERLY REDUNDANT.

Language evolves, I get that. I mean why do you think Shakespeare is so bloody difficult? But it seems to be happening at an incredible rate. These days, describing something as 'sick' is a compliment. Well when did that happen? Did I miss a meeting?

As a voice artist, I'm happy to speak in character and mash up this beautiful language with all the enthusiasm as a nerd at a Star Trek convention, but every once in a while, it is just so lovely to speak The Queen's English.

Laters.

I Don't Know the Answer

Well as the year draws to a close I thought I would throw one last blog on the fire (see what I did there - clever wasn't it? Well, I say clever, essentially it was just a bit of wit, and I don't suspect I'll be nominated for any awards for it. Still, it brought a smile to my face, so that's nice).

I want to talk about something interesting that happened to me in Tesco the other night. To be fair, most things that happen in Tesco are not interesting. Last week I found myself asking what would happen if Tesco asked a random group of 100 people if they found the whole experience of going there to be anything less than hellish.  I suspect the results would bother them.

The thing is,  I’ve discovered the joy of Lidl shopping, and it really can be a joy. The quality there is superb, the prices are fantastic and what’s more, it can be an adventure comparing European brand foods with the more recognised UK stuff and realising that, more often than not, it tastes exactly the same and in many cases – a lot better.

However, they don’t stock everything and I needed to pick up some chestnut puree so that Shelly could make her chestnut stuffing. It was her mother’s recipe and she really does do it proud, so darling, if you’re reading this – here’s to another great stuffing!

So back to Tesco, where it’s late at night, snowing and altogether unpleasant (OK, about as unpleasant as usual, but if unpleasant had a dial, it would been cranked up to 11). After roaming the aisles of where logic dictated I would find the chestnuts, I was still sporting an empty basket. At that point I decided to ask for help, and I use the word ‘help’ in its broadest sense here.

“Excuse me”, say I, “can you tell me where I might find the chestnut puree and also the whole chestnuts – you usually sell them in vacuum packs?”

“Well you’ll find loose chestnuts in the whole foods section but I haven’t really seen any other chestnuts come in so I expect that we’re not doing them.”

STOP!!!!!! A GIANT LOGIC BOMB HAS JUST BEEN LEFT ON AISLE 16, PLEASE CAN SOMEONE GO AND CLEAR IT UP????

So you’re one of the biggest supermarket chains in the country, and my local has expanded to such a ridiculous size that you can now by light aircraft in Aisle 37, next to the beans, but you’ve not seen chestnuts A WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS!!!???!!!

Obviously my real response was a little more reserved but it did get me thinking about something. Why didn’t she just tell me that she didn’t know?

Seriously, the lady is working in a shop that sells literally thousands of products. If she had the mental capacity to remember all of them, along with their location, then one would argue that she is woefully over qualified to be stacking shelves in the middle of the night in Tesco wouldn’t they?

I am perfectly happy for people to not know the answer, just as long as they take a moment to tell me where I might be able to get the help that I need. What would happen if someone asked me if I could do a particular accent and I just shrugged my shoulders and said "probably"? They'd book a session with me, and then waste time and money finding out that I am not the man for the job. The correct response (and the one I use) is to offer to audition, that way I am only cutting in to my own time, which is fine.

We’re told of all of the truly powerful words in sales like YES and THANKS, but I’d like to add another phrase to that list – the phrase I DON’T KNOW. Go the extra mile and find out what help you genuinely can offer. It can be as simple as asking a colleague if they know the answer, and then everybody wins.

I'm looking forward to 2011. The voicemonkey site is up and running and I have clients asking me to voice animations, commercials, documentaries, phone systems and heaps more. 

To all my fellow artistes in the funny world that we call voice, I wish you all the best of the festive season and may we all enjoy a most prosperous new year.

Ask me a question

Last week, I launched my new VoiceMonkey web site. Please do check it out at www.voicemonkey.co.uk

As a brand new concept, I asked a number of friends and associates what they thought of the idea. Now it's not like I was pitching to Dragon's Den here, but the general opinion of everyone I spoke with was that it is a good idea and is bound to be very popular.

For those of you who have not yet checked it out (and what's the matter with you anyway) The VoiceMonkey is an opportunity for people to download personalised celebrity impressions to use on their phone, be it for ringtonesor my personal favourite, voice mail greetings.

You see, when I was a youngster back in the eighties, my parents bought the house an answering machine and it was clearly a vision of the future. Being tape based, it was only a matter of time before comedy messages became available in the shops and these guys did pretty good business with them.

Fast forward some 25 years and it seems that the same product is not yet available for the ubiquitous mobile, which clearly needs to change. Feel free to join the revolution and visit the site. You can also follow it on Twitter and Facebook. See? I really am trying to cover my bases here.

To launch, I took a small promotional stand at a shopping centre in Harlow in Essex for a long weekend of Friday to Sunday. In a word, fail, but not for the reason that the idea isn't any good, because it is, so there.

What was strange was how many people would walk up to or near the stand, ask in a rhetorical, yet out loud manner, "what's Voice Monkey?" and then walk straight off!

I just don't get it. You find yourself curious about something. You vocalise that curiosity and better yet, you are standing opposite someone who can clearly answer your questions but what do you do? You walk away!

I would really like to think that I am not like that. I have a healthy thirst for knowledge and if the opportunity to get my questions answered are there, then I am asking my questions.

So what do you want to know about me? Are you wondering if I can do a particular voice or if I can sing a certain way? Are you wondering if I represent other voice artists? Well stop wondering, pick up the phone and call me. My web site does not feature an FAQ because the beauty of the world of voice over is that the questions are just about as random as anyone could hope for!

Ultimately, don't be afraid to ask. No one in business has ever been bothered about answering questions. I don't want to suggest that there is no such thing as a stupid question because there is. There are tons of them, but isn't it better to just ask it and get it answered than spending your time simply not knowing?

That last one...was rhetorical.